Moving Forward

 The speed of my overcoming has accelerated. In the not quite 3 months since Gilbert died and I discovered his multiple betrayals, I've gone from frozen in shock, to forcing myself to do a bit each day,to what I'm calling 75% reconstructed.  It feels like I'll make it now.

Prayer and a lot of self-talk all are at the heart of it, along with good counsel from my Pastor and support of friends and family. I still have daily moments when I'm reminded of something, and then remember I don't have that anymore.  I still have imaginary talks with him, What were you thinking? How could you say you loved me, yet take everything of value, or almost everything, away from me? Was all of it a lie? Etc etc etc.

I have my name on a waiting list for an affordable senior  apartment.  Its not what I dreamed of for sure, but it would give me a place to call home and the privacy that would entail.  I might qualify for the two bedroom, so I could have a sewing and art room.

I'm teaching Bible study again at the homeless shelter, and I started leading a spiritual discussion group at the county shelter. I still lead the prayer quilt ministry at church. I'm not doing as much, thank God I have a fantastic team now.

And I started my book on my life. The working title is, "I Wouldn't Believe It Either, If I Hadn't Lived It," So far I have over 70 pages written.  I go back to the beginning. I seem to have been under attack since birth. I need to find an agent to help me get it published. Any prayers for that are really appreciated.

That's my update. God bless you one and all. God bless our planet and everyone upon it.

What Kind of Faith?

 I am reading "Ancient Christianities: The First Five Hundred Years" by Paula Fredriksen. It is an excellent compilation of the history of early Christianity. A lot of  it I already knew, and it is powerful not only to review, but also to have it all togetherin one place. It is definitely worth reading in my estimation.

This morning, during my prayer time, a thought rose up. Yes, there was turmoil, angry fights, even murder and executions within Christianity.  Yes, there were intrigues and ridiculous battles over points of view, some of them seemingly minute. Yes, the development of theology is messy, and in many cases, it ended in theology being made by Imperial fiat. Yes, it shifted the focus away from Jesus and what he taught.

It shifted from having the faith of Jesus to having faith in Jesus be the focus. It stopped trying to be like Jesus to just believing the creeds made up by the Imperial church. It made him something he did not claim to be, at least until later writings such as John made claims for him, putting things on his lips that  no other writer put there.

And yet, I know from my life that there is something not able to be destroyed by the inflated egos of men, by the bouts of power struggles, or by the ugliness done in the name of Jesus. There is something that informs me from the depths, that is here with me, that is more than me. It is in synch with the Jesus before the battles, at least the Jesus of the earliest writing.

I aim to have faith as Jesus taught and modeled - the faith of Jesus, his kind of closeness to God, his lovingness, his kindness, his healing presence. 

Like Moving a Giant Block of Conrete

 In case you get stuck, even depressed, I want to share my recent strategy with you. It's working for me, so I think it might work for you too.

When I discovered the mountain of betrayal, the huge web of lies and fantasy woven by Gilbert, I first went into shock, as you know, if you have been reading bits of it that I began posting on April 14th.

This morning I want to share some of what I did, and am doing to vget though this mess and pain, i've not a person who has had depression, but I think the beginning shock was a kind of depression. I was numb, unable to do usual things, So, I remembered telling so many people over the years that depression is energy turned inward that needed to be turned out - express rather than depress.

It did feel like a giant concrete block that I had to turn. With all of my might I decided to do one thing a day, make one call, fill in one form, make one appointment. Then, in a couple of days, I did two things a day, then three. Now I am at maybe80% of my usual activiies. The giant concrete block is now pretty small.

I also talked it through, out loud ofen. What were you thinking? I loved you so much, and it seems you didn't love me. Why on earth would you get rid of all of the treasures and money? etc.

I also cried and felt the anguish. I remember this or that event in our lives, I femember this or that now lost treasure and what it stands for, but is in someone else's hands now without its meaning, its story.

And I pray. 

Lord, I know Your Presence, for You have lifted and guided me all of the days of my life. Through deep and difficult valleys, through glorous mountain tops, You have been with me. You have spoken to me in whispers and in shouts. You have protected me, so that I am still here and more or less in one piece. Now I ask You for restoration. Restore me. Heal me. Lift me through this valley. Help me release this all to You. Open whatever doors You want me to walk throgh to be of service and to fulfill my purose for coming to earth. And, if possible, restore the soul of Gilbert to the pristine soul You created, washing away all of the darkness. I am thankful, for I know You hear my prayer. I ask it in he name of Christ, and I seal it with the ancient seal of faith and integrity Amen, Amen, and Amen

Life Continues

 Life continues is a saying of a dear friend of mine, when faced with one of life's challenges. It has a lot of layers of meaning. Yes, there is a problem, but I'm still here and can do something, whether it be take  an outward action or an inner one.

You may be wondering, what is an inner action? It could be many internal things. I could pray. I could talk to myself in a different way about whtever it is. I could release it, and just let go.

Let's consider self-talk for a moment. Inside of us we carry on a monologue. Often people say things in the privacy of their heads that they would not likely say outloud. They speak internally judgmental, angry, even hateful things. Of course that kind of internal self-talk can lead to external action that is not spiritual at all, even violent actions a person talks themselves into. As within, so without, is an old addage.

For example, someone pulls in front of you on the freeway. You can thinkthat person did it intentionally to upset you, or that person is rude, or who does that person think they are? or some such thing. You then are upset for while, taking that momentary upset into tyhe future, maybe even telling someone else about later. OR you could think, that person is in a hurry and must be late for something important, or that person was distracted because of some problem intheir life, or that person is a bad driver - and let it go. It no longer is in your thoughts.

These are simple examples. The first example can become serious if that kind of thinking is a pattern. It can become serious. when it is about an actually important issue. It can become violent.

What to do? I think it is essential to be aware of how we represent events in our lives to ourslves. Are we kind and generous-hearted as we talk to ourselves about tnings and people? Do we pretend we can know someone else's motives?  Do we take things personally that are not about us? Even if it is about us, what is the wise way to respond? Do we upset ourselves in such a way we are not acting in a kind, healthy, spiritual way? 

We need to be the caretakers of our own minds. We need to be vigilant. Otherwise we will not be a beneficial presence. We will not grow spiritually. We are the only ones who can align our self-talk with the highest and best. Become a success coach to yourself.

The Target

 Last night, I resumed leading Bible Study at the homeless shelter. It reminded me of the journey of my life with Jesus and God, as I shared what the Sermon on the Mount meant to me. I want to share a bit of it with you.

When I was a child, I had a lot to deal with in overcoming physical and emotional abuse. It seemed to me there must be a key to a better way to live. I read, and read and reread my little New Testament, underlining with colored pencils. Eventually, it was very colorful, rainbow like.

It developed in me that what I needed to do, in order to follow Jesus, was to aim to be like him, and so to listen carefully to what he was remembered to have said by those who wrote about him. It became my goal for my life. Being Christlike was my target When I caught myself straying off target, I did my best to bring myself back and aim again. I learned that, if you don't have a target goal, you wander around aimlessly. It is really imperative to focus our overall objective for our lives.

Back to the Shelter, I teach the Sermon on the Mount in 10 lessons. These things are what Jesus taught us for guidelines on how to behave to be his followers, and, if we succeed, we help create the Kngdom of Heaven here on earth. If everyone followed these things, then we would actually have a planet where there would be peace, plenty, kindness, and God's Kingdom manifest. But, so far humans have not done this.

I urge you to read deeply, listening with your whole being, Matthew 5, 6 & 7. Imagine you are there, hearing him speak these words as if to you. Let them penetrate to your core. 

Now decide what is the target goal for your life? Are you daring enough to actually follow Christ?

Out of the Blue

Out of the blue, all of a sudden, signs of restoration appear. Hopefully they are tidbits fortelling of more good to come. Perhaps around the next corner, more signs will find me. That's the way at least some things work. 

This week, I feel my mind and heart awakening out of the shock and being restored. It is such a relief to begin to feel like myself agin. I am so thankful. The shards are coming together, and it feels so very good. Thank You, God!

Then there was the sorrow of my sewing machines evaoporating from my life with his non-payment of storage and lies about all being absolutely up to date. Then a friend came to me, saying they were moving and downsizing. Would I like her semi-industrial, straight stitch, 1600 stitches a minute Pfaff? Would I!!!! It replaces my Juki 2010 and then some! It's a magnificent machine. I am sooooo very thankful.

Then yesterday, a couple of amazing friends helped me go through boxes in a friend's barn. We had gone through half a week or so ago. Much had to be thrown away due to critters getting in the boxes. They had been there since 2013. We found a few pieces of my Russian jewelry. I was tearful. Then awhile later I heard a shout, I found your jewelry!!! There in a hanging bag with zippered clear plastic pockets was some of my jewelry in the pockets, my real gold and silver jewelry. My heart was pounding. We piut it in the car to go through later, for we had so many boxes yet to go through.,

When we got back to the house, I started to go through it. There were pieces I was cetain had been in the local storage, but there they were. Not all of my jewelry, but a lot. And then from a pocket, I pulled out THE bracelet I had been mourning. The 1905 hand-made, hand hammered links, hand engraved heart, pictures of my grandmother and grandfather inside, and the dent on the heart made by my father's first tooth. Tears filled my eyes. Gratitude swirled in me. This precious artifact was restored to me. It can stay in our family.

Around the next bend, I wonder what the next restoration surprise there will be. As an old friend used to say, I wonder what God has up His sleeve today. My heart is filled with thanksgiving.

So I say to you and to me, never give up. Have faith. Good may be around the next corner. 

Thank You, God, for being here with me, and for reminding me of that very thing. Thank you for the beginnings of restoration. May this be the part of the Book of Job where all is restored and more. Guide me, lead me, help me walk in Your Way always. Thank You is a pale word for what I am feeling. You know my heart and know the joy and rejoicing going on in me. I seal this with the ancient seal of integrity and faith, Amen, Amen, and Amen

The Insights Pile Up

Labor assures not only individual survival, but the life of the species. Work and its product, the human artifact, bestow a measure of permanence and durability upon the futility of mortal life and the fleeting character of human time. Action, in so far as it engages in founding and preserving political bodies, creates the condition for remembrance, that is, for history. - Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition

 I heard someone on YouTube mention this book. It sounded fascinating,  so I downloaded a sample. This morning I came to the above quote  it struck me as if lightening. 

It spoke to me of apiece of the puzzle that nuzzled me on the edges, but that had not been fully seen. I was upset about the treasures of my life being on their own, without their stories, without their meaning, in the hands of strangers.  This morning it all came together -  HE STOLE MY HISTORY!

The things I had told the story of my life, of my family's life. The artifacts were living history. People often said that being in my home was like being in a museum.  He threw it away by not paying storage, but weaving a web of lies and vowing to the end all fees were paid. He threw it away by somehow stealing my house payment, so getting it foreclosed, and weaving a web of lies, so that I didn't find out until a few weeks ago. He took my money and lied lied lied. He threw everything of value to me on a trash heap. 

He threw my life away with no remorse. 

So now, with my history gone, I begin again. 

God,  glorious and  eternal, also my companion, my guide, show me the highest way for me to walk the remaining portion of earth life that You grant me. Lead me, lift me, restore me. Fill this hole in my heart with Your Light. Help me release the past to You. Grant me strength and courage to move forward. I am so incredibly thankful that I know You are always with me.