It is Resurrection Celebration Weekend

A brief thought came to me this morning.

If you say you don't believe in resurrection, you rule out so much.

It means you don't believe in

• Springtime
• Butterflies
• Frogs
• Seeds
• Redemption
• Any kind of transformation
• The example of Christ Jesus.

As you know, I await some sort of resurrection in my life, as I walk out of this current agony. And I know it will come. I do not know its contours or details at this very  moment, but I know and see examples of resurrection all around me. I know a bit about how God works. With this as my shield, I walk on in faith.

Walk with me this Easter weekend and on into the yet uncreated future.

Working Through Betrayal

 A quote from Paul helped me this morning:

We are under all kinds of pressure, but we are not crushed completely; we are at a loss, but not at our wits’ end; we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are cast down, but not destroyed.

As the story of the betrayal by my husband unfolds, the extent of it and the breadth of it are breathtaking. The subterfuge he assembled is stunning, the workings of an evil mind, a man without a conscience.

So he took everything. Now what?

As the numbness cracks, new emotions for me drip out. I have to go through this. I refuse to be crushed for the rest of my life. I have to rise from the rubble.

He took things, some irreplaceable. What is left? My faith. My God. My family, My friends. My church. My talents. And more. I still have the most important things. 

Now I dismiss him, his devious and cruel behavior hidden behind a veil of pretend love. I brush him off of my life. I encourage the hurt to heal. It will take a bit of time. I don't expect instantaneous healing. 

But when I began to find the trail of his deceit, my grief for him was gone, instantly gone. It shifted to what he took, not only my money, but the treasures I had collected from my travels, photos from my life, a lifetime of journals, manuscripts of partially finished books, paintings I did, antiques from my family, so many things that had meaning to me. Gone.

I don't do bitter. I don't intend to dwell on the past. As I heard clearly last Wednesday, "The past is done." Yet I do have to walk through the valley of pain and betrayal, not sit down and stay a minute longer than necessary, but to get on with it.

Then I know God will guide me to what I am to do with the rest of my life.

You, my spiritual friends, if you too have a valley, gather up your faith and courage and walk on through and out. There is more on the other side of the valley, I am certain of that.

Divine Presence, my Guide, my Companion, I have known You all of my life. I know You are with me, with us all. I know Your Light is within. I know we are one.

Lead me out of this valley with grace and faith. Help me keep the eye of my life on You. 

I know there is more to do. Open the door I am to walk through, so that I may serve as You would have me serve.

I release Gilbert to You, and let go. Cut all ties to him, and protect me from any further harm.

I am thankful to be in Your care and keeping all the days of my life.  I am thankful You are leading me still.

I release this all to You, in the name of Christ, sealed with the ancient seal of faith, Amen, Amen, and Amen.

Living the Bible Stories

 Through the past week I have walked with tears and prayers, facing death, betrayal and a web of lies. There have been moments of Spirit speaking to me, and therefore amazing insights have been gifted to me.

I am led to share a sketch of all of this at this time.

As Pastor Drew spoke of Easter week yesterday, when he said "Judas," tears started flowing down my face. A light of understanding swept me. I had married Judas, the trusted treasurer, the betrayer. 

One day last week, upon awakening, I heard the words "The past is done." That day I discovered all of my treasures were gone, auctioned off for nonpayment of storage in 2022. My grief shifted at once. Then a whole thread of deceit and lies and betrayal began to unravel.

I have often said over the past years I have been living the book of Job. So I knew I was living that story. I have endeavored to follow Jesus and his teachings since early childhood, to become as like him as humanly possible, and so live the Christ story..

Then I realized the meassage "The past is done," also contained the message to Lot and family, "Don't look back."

So there was Judas with betrayal, leading to agony on the cross, leading to resurrection. I'm in the process of agony, moving toward resurrection of some sort. The agony includes disorientation. The man I loved never existed, and who did exist was a villain who I did not meet until after his death..

I look forward to finding what this will lead to. I pray I can still be useful to those on the spiritual path and to those considering it, and those who run from it. 

God is lifting me right now. May God lift you this day and all days.

Gilbert's Memorial Service

 His service has been postponed due to extenuating circumstances.

He's Gone

 Early this morning my beloved Gilbert passed on. 

He took part of my heart with him. I shall miss him so much that no words can suffice to describe it.

My beloved is soaring in a new life. I remain here weeping.

I will find a way to go forward, but not today.

I See It and Cannot Stop It

 It is a disturbing and also a fascinating  time in my life. The disaster has  been coming in slow motion, a million cuts tearing apart my life.

July 30 my husband, my soulmate, had a stroke. August 2nd he had a pain in his side, a CT scan, and then the diagnosis of stage 4 peritoneal and appendix cancer, a cancer only comprising 1% of the cancers. 

Slowly he  became more and more fatigued. Slowly he ate less and less. Slowly he stopped doing things like driving, going to church, cooking his own breakfast.

Then the ascites began building up in his abdomen. 6.5 liters every 10 days to 2 weeks getting drained. A week ago they weighed him going in and out. He went in weighing 171 pounds, and a little over an hour later, after 6.5 liters were drained, he weighed 157 pounds.

Then a week and a half ago he stopped taking a shower, and he shifted to spong baths. He stopped shaving. He began to sleep more. He stayed in his night clothes and bathrobe all day.

Yet he insists he is being healed. He refuses hospice.

I think part of his deterioration is on the insurance. All the research I've been able to do says for what he has, HIPAC is the standard of treatment. I think he should have been given this option last August, while he was still stronger. I think at present, he could not survive a 10 to 12 hour surgery.

So I see the end of our 38 years together approaching. I am tearful. He is my rock, my cheer leader, my best friend. I love him with all of my heart.

I may not know you personally, but you read my thoughts, and so you are my spiritual friend. I have a request of you. Please pray for us. 

A New Understanding of the Eucharist

 This morning  I was reading a book that pointed out the traditional Eucharist, saying it's a mystery that cannot be logically explained. Something in me shouted out BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! Wow. I will share what came to me.

If we look deeply at any natural thing it will lead us into the mystery in whatever direction we go - bread and wine for example. Each has a story that leads into the Mystery.

Look deeply at a piece of bread. You will see the wheat growing in the field. You will see the rain watering it with water coming from the lakes and streams  and oceans of the world evaporating up to the clouds. You will see the rays of  sunlight warming the growing wheat and activating photosynthesis. You will see the wheat take in carbon from the air and give off oxygen. You will see our orbit around the sun, the seasons created by spin and tilt. You will see our solar system, the Milky Way and the vast universe of which our bread is a part. 

You can see the roots drawing up nutrients from the top soil created over the centuries. You can see the farmer, the harvest, the mill turning it into flour. You can see the trees that make the paper for the bag to carry the flour to your kitchen.

You can see how the bread in your hand connects you to everything, and then to The Creator. You can see the story of the grape too, actually the story of everything can lead us into The Mystery.

So take the bread and wine and remember how they Connect you to the entire web of all that is.  Remember they Connect you ultimately to The Creator

Remember you too are part of it all. Everything is sacred. Let your next Eucharist be a true sacred experience of Oneness.